by JASON DAVIS
Everything I have ever learned about babies, I learned on my own. If you learn nothing else from me, understand this: babies are assholes, and their parents are idiots.
I have endured countless years of cat-like clawing to the face, arm biting, and head-to-the-cement banging tamper tantrums from a hardcore, badass, bastard of colic.
It’s the truth. Think about all the new parents around you—it seems like these things are popping out left and right, right? Well, every single one of them is going to have some absurd, obscure, idiosyncratic family remedy to pass along to you when you have a kid. It could be for boob nursing, constipation, butt rash—whatever, it doesn’t matter. You’re going to thank them for the tip, try it out at the next opportunity, and soon realize that their remedy didn’t work for shit.
Every single piece of advice from other parents around me yielded the same result—me asking myself why I even bothered to listen to them in the first place.
I’ve got two little mes now, and I’d like to think I know a thing or two about them – but it wasn’t always that way. Trust me. It took a long while to get to where I am now. The learning never stops, and there wasn’t ever a transitional moment in time where I suddenly thought that I got it all. One thing still rings true to me though. Babies are assholes, and their parents are idiots.
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