TEASED POST FROM MAYBE ISSUE 5 WHO KNOWS YOU YES?

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Green M&M’s: Do they make you horny?…Yeah…
text by M.O.Shea. 

I was raised by a family comprised of mainly seamen, showmen, and salesmen so it should come as no surprise to anyone that I embody three very distinct traits of all three – a potty mouth, dropping the gs from my verbs, and a penchant for superstition and lore. Phrases such as red sky at night, sailor’s delight; itchy nose, you’ll kiss a fool; leave the lid off the kettle, company will call, and of course, green M&M’s, your horny friend, were recited around the house on a daily basis.

Now that I am an adult (I pay my own bills and exercise my right to not vote) I’m superstition bustin’ the phrases that raised me into the cynical, Reality TV watchin’ woman I am today. Obviously a red sky at night is a delight for all people (except for those living in Kings Landing – bust), an itchy nose precedes every kiss from my husband (burst), and I lost the lid to the kettle so the Mormons always come a knockin’ (boom). But what of those green M&M’s? Are they really your horny friend?

I began debunking this lore by first embarking on a magical trip to the Mars M&Ms website where I was prompted to enter my date of birth. At first I thought I “accidentally” logged onto Boone Farm’s again but no, it is so they can ensure they are marketing the brand responsibly*. After receiving an email from my friend – haha grumpy cat – and momentarily forgetting about the task at hand, I headed to the store** to purchase a plethora of M&Ms – pretzel, mint, dark, milk, almond. I ate them all, paying close attention to my feelings with every swallow of the little colored nuggets of love, but especially the vert ones. I found that the only M&Ms that made me even just the tad bit randy had a nut-family filling – peanut butter, peanut, coconut, these nuts, bustanut. In conclusion, my study found that it is the word association and not the color of the candy shell that make this opsomaniac*** 50 shades of hornay.

Nut. Busted.

*M&M’s.com. Consumer alert you must be this old to ride this ride. Also, Raspberry filled M&M’s…gross.
**This lore was busted through pure conjecture. Candy isn’t Weight Watchers friendly. Did you know a bag of peanut M&M’s is 7 points? That is a 12-ounce double IPA, or 8-ounces of wine, or two Taco Beezy Bean Burritos. My mother did not raise a fool.
*** n. a person with an extreme enthusiasm for a particular food (big words dot com!)

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